DREAM CRASHER: In the Dark of the Night

I don't remember all the details, but I was with my husband and could tell we were about to get engaged. We kept wandering through large and complicated buildings, filled with people and all kinds of scenery. At one point we were in what seemed to be an upper class shopping and dining area. A romantically lit building with ceilings 3 stories high. We sat on the edge of water surrounded by rock walls blocking out all the people. I saw my mom standing on a balcony near by, smiling. Rick handed me a small box. I opened it to find 3 pearl-like stones hanging in a line. Earrings. "Interesting." I thought. Not something I would have picked. Then he pulled another pair out of his pocket,  they were circle shaped instead of oval. He told me they were the ones he would have picked to give me, but for some reason he decided on the oval ones. He put them back in his pocket and handed me back the box. We were suddenly somewhere else. Maybe a store? I stood in front of a mirror as he opened a larger box for me. This time a necklace. Strands of bronze intertwined with random diamond like shapes on the front. The strands were a few feet long. I took the necklace in my hands and it draped to the floor. I put it over my neck and the strands fell behind my back, bending me backwards from the weight. Without words we exchanged a look acknowledging that the necklace was a no. We put it back in the box. Next we were wandering through an enormous building. It felt complicated. Halls and walls and rooms all over the place. Rick was carrying a large coral bow in his hands. It had white polka dots on it and stood about as tall as me. We wandered and I could tell his plans had fallen through. He couldn't find the right spot. The spot he had planned. Again, we never exchanged words, I somehow just knew. Finally we ran into someone that somehow knew our situation and gave us the suggestion to try the roof. There was a police overlook that was supposedly beautiful and vacant. As we exited the building I looked up and realized I knew the place. I was excited to go to the top. As we walked around the corner we came upon a circular slab of concrete surrounded by grass and a few stone columns. It was dark outside and I realized Rick and I were wearing bright orange sweatshirts. Where had those come from? I excitedly walked along the path and as we stepped onto the concrete slab Rick pulled my hand and stopped me. I turned to continue toward the top and he wrapped his arms around me lifting me into the air. We froze. 

I now looked upon us, like a spectator. I stared at us frozen in the moment right before Rick was to propose. A distant sound broke the silence. SHHHIIUUMPF….SHHHIIUUMPF…SHHHIIUUMPF… the sound grew louder and closer. My eyes popped open and my dream disappeared. But the noise didn't stop. SHHHIIUUMPF….SHHHIIUUMPF…SHHHIIUUMPF…. My eyes shifted to the noise as a large, dark figure creeped along my pillow right next to my head. It was moving slow. And that sound. That disgusting sound. "A ROACH!" I screamed as I shot up and the creature disappeared between our bed and the wall. Rick popped awake and frantically yelled, "What?" 

"It was on my pillow right next to my head and it went down there!" Like a 2 year old child I pointed and squirmed in the direction the dark creature had gone. "It was moving so slow…" A thousand thoughts ran through my head as I tried to figure out what it was. That noise. That noise kept coming back into my head. "It made such a weird sound... and it was so big and moving so slow. I don't know if it was a roach. I don't know what it was!" I grew more frantic as my uncertainty grew as to what had been crawling right next to my face and possibly on my head. I felt sick. Violated. Disgusting. And tired. I looked at the clock. It was 5:30am. My daughter is the only one allowed to wake me up that early. Not to mention I was just about to get engaged and now I will never know how Rick was going to propose. "We have to find it!" I  jumped off the bed so I could watch the whole room as Rick moved the bed to see what he could find. He shifted the bed and there it ran… in a split second it went from under the bed to under the desk 3 feet away. It was dark. Too dark to be a roach. Those are normally reddish brown. But it was SO fast. Too fast to be just any type of beetle. My anxiety grew as the image of that dark creature creeping next to my head kept pushing itself into my mind. I just had to know what it was. I put Rick on watch guard as I ran to get our sticky traps. We had run out last week and had just received a new pack in the mail yesterday. Glad they were so fast getting them to me. I grabbed a trap and put it by the edge of the desk so Rick could explore from the other side and hopefully scare it out. I took watch position and before Rick moved the dark spot shot across the opening where the chair sits. It seemed much smaller this time. Maybe it's because it wasn't next to my head. I was worried it was going to get away without us seeing it, so I hurried and shifted the trap to where he had just run and added a new one at the other opening where he might run. Rick shifted some things around and out it darted… it headed towards our door and saw Rick, pausing just long enough for me to see that it was clearly a mouse. What?!? A mouse? Then what was that sound? And why was it moving so slow? And WHY was it on my bed?!? He darted out the room and we stood there with our jaws open. He had totally fooled us. And I was totally relieved. A mouse was so much better than a roach. And he was the smallest mouse we have ever had in our house. We weren't sure if he had gone into our utility room or kitchen but I assumed he had gone into the closest door. So I lined the doorway with my typical trap set up that had yet to fail. My anxiety was almost completely gone. We'll get him. We always do. As soon as my traps were ready I sent Rick in to see if he could scare him out. He hadn't been in there 5 seconds when the mouse came flying towards the trap…. and right over it. He disappeared back into our bedroom. Once again my jaw dropped. "He jumped right over the trap! How on earth did he miss it?!?" Rick chimed in, "He's lucky. That's what he is." It's like he literally flew over the trap. We must have really scared him or he is a new breed of flying mouse. I quickly shifted the traps to the bedroom door. Rick had to get ready for work but I was content. He was trapped in our room because surely, he wouldn't get over the trap a second time. I headed to the kitchen to start my day. I was hopeful he would land on the trap before Rick left so I didn't have to dispose of him, but I knew that was unlikely. And I was right.

Rick said goodbye and headed out the door. As soon as the car started I heard "Squeak, squeak, squeak." He had wasted no time. We had caught him! I walked across the room and peeked into the hallway. "Squeak, Squeak, Squeak." There he was stuck on the trap. He couldn't fly quite far enough this time, but I was impressed with his attempt. I grabbed a bag, folded the trap on top of him, shoved him in the bag and took him to the porch to end his misery. "I'm sure glad it's garbage day." I thought to myself as I walked back inside. 

I have a pizza loving friend who recently posted about her homemade pizza. It looked delicious. I asked her if she's every tried California White Pizza. 

She hasn't, so this one's for her. 

California White Pizza
  -photo & recipe from rhodesbread.com

Servings: 8 

Skill Level: Intermediate 

Prep Time: 15 min (not including thaw time) 

Bake Time: 10-15 min

• 9 Rhodes™ White Dinner Rolls, thawed and risen

• 2 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened

• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

• 1 teaspoon parsley flakes

• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese

• 14 ounce can artichoke hearts, chopped

• 3/4 cup grated mozzarella cheese

• 1/2 cup grated Havarti* cheese

• 1/2 cup grated Provolone cheese

• fresh cracked black pepper

Instructions

1. Flatten each roll into a 3-inch circle.

2. Place one in the center of a sprayed 12-inch pizza pan.

3. Place remaining rolls in a circle around the center one overlapping each one about 1/2-inch.

4. Bake at 375F 10 minutes.

5. Combine softened butter, garlic powder and parsley flakes.

6. Spread over cooled crust.

7. Sprinkle with Parmesan and artichokes.

8. Cover with grated cheeses and sprinkle with pepper.

9. Bake at 375F an additional 10-15 minutes or until cheese is nicely melted.

Pain.

I believe that pain distorts us. It distorts our perspective, our ability to see good and to feel okay. It makes everything seem longer. Everything seem harder. Getting out of bed, staying asleep, work, play, enjoying each day. It muffles our desires, motivations and goals. It stomps on our patience and enhances our selfish ways of thinking. It brings out the worst in life and it brings out the worst in ourselves. Pain is hard. It's one of the greatest challenges of life. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain, mental pain. Pain is really the underlying experience of most negative things we experience. Anger, frustration, loneliness, rejection, sickness, failure, embarrassment, fear, loss, sadness. They all hurt. They all cause pain. Pain in our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our families, our communities, our country, our world. Pain is everywhere. It affects everyone. It stretches and pushes and pulls. It never gives up. It never gives in.

And yet, pain is a driving force of good. A force to change, to hold on, to work harder. To be more accepting, more humble, more kind. To step in another's shoes before passing judgement. To see the good when life just seems so bad. To find the good deep within ourselves. The strength, the endurance, the courage we never knew we had. It opens our eyes to the surrounding world. To the power within our own selves and the goodness in people around us.

Pain will always distort us. Our perspectives, our abilities, our feelings. But pain will also shape us. We reach deeper and try harder in order to survive. Through that reaching and trying a new person comes to existince. A stronger, better, kinder version of the person we once were. With greater potential, greater purpose and greater power than before. It shapes our way of thinking, our way of life, our way of being. Our ability to see, to feel, to understand. It changes who we are from the inside out or the outside in. And if we can hang on, a beautiful shape will grow from that dark, ugly distortion.

I was traveling home from an afternoon full of errands. 

The sky was almost dark. My daughter and I were playing our favorite car game. She chooses a word, I spell it, she excitedly shouts the word as soon as I'm finished spelling. A small patter echoed off my windshield. It must be starting to rain. Another quick pat sounded on the glass. I don't see any raindrops. Pat...Pat..Pat.....Pat. I soon realized it was not the sound of rain. It was the sound of bugs. Splattering on my windshield. 

"Here it comes." I thought out loud. "Here comes summer and all the bugs that are going to come with it."

Today I headed out on the same road I was driving before. Splat... splat...splat..splat. The bugs are back and preparing for a full invasion. Sun up or down, it's their time to shine. I don't like bugs. Not one bit. But as I drove through this cloud of splattering bugs I couldn't help but swell with excitement. The season of bugs and heat is upon us. And that means summer.

Summer

The smell of grass and bar-b-que's.

Visiting family.

Vacations.

Kids playing outside. 

The 4th of July. 

Fireworks. 

Swimming, beaches, sprinklers and parks. 

Sweating. 

Sunscreen.

Insect Repellent.

Long, sunny days and playing into the night.

Snow Cones.

Hot Dogs.

Hamburgers.

Hopefully some Cotton Candy.

Festivals & Music.

Picnics & Walks.

Reasons to party every other weekend.

Celebrating outside all season long.

The list goes on and on of the memories summer has created. In younger times it meant no school and no work...a break from reality. But the adult world is different, school and work continue on. Clients and calls, cooking and laundry never take a break. Yet something about summer brings a renewed excitement. Maybe a reason to relax, hang with friends or spend time with family. 

Whatever it is...it's here. 

And yes, the bugs came with it. So spray up and party on.

It's amazing what a date can mean.

Two years ago today, the meaning & purpose of my life changed. Forever.

12am

I was lying in a hospital bed chatting on the phone with family members far away. I was excited. It felt like a dream.

1am

The epidural was wearing off. The nurse came to check me, I was at an 8.

1:30am

The nurse checked me again. A look of surprise. She turned to me and said,

"Don't push. Don't laugh. Don't sneeze. And if you feel anything coming out, 

yell to me!"

about 1:50am

The doctor was positioned and I was told to push. 

I pushed. Really, really hard.

I was told to breathe. I took a breath. That was much easier than pushing.

"Push!" I pushed. Even harder this time. 

So hard I thought my brain was going to pop out of the left side of my head. When it was time to breathe I asked my husband if anything was popping out of my head. He reassured me it was not.

"Push!" I pushed with every bit of energy my body could produce.

"STOP! STOP!"

I looked up and there she was. My beautiful baby girl. 

My very own little piece of heaven.

The world stood still for just one moment and when it started spinning again everything was different. Richer. Deeper. More meaningful. More precious.

Words can't express the love and purpose she has brought into my life. 

Today I celebrate her. 

Last night I watched Les Misérables. 

Translated to English this means The Miserable or The Miserable Ones. A perfect title for a movie that's all about misery. It's a raw and beautiful story portraying the battles and miseries of life. Physical battles, emotional battles, spiritual battles. Everyone in the moving was struggling with something. And to me, misunderstanding seemed to be a running theme. Because of people misunderstanding eachother there was a lot of pain and even death. One man spent his life chasing another because he couldn't forgive or believe people can change. He misunderstood a man who stole bread. Another man spent his life running because he was misunderstood. Women were tormented, abused, lonely and cast out because they were misunderstood. Kids lost their lives fighting for their rights, because they were misunderstood. A whole lot of misery which all seemed to stem from misunderstandings.

As it played out on the screen in front of me it felt familiar. It really isn't much different than the world we live in now. Misunderstandings. Unacceptance. Unforgiving. Judging. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain because we misunderstand. Pain because we ALL want to be understood and accepted. Pain because sometimes as humans we just don't know how to do so. It honestly made me sad as these thoughts swam around in my mind. But then the end of the movie came and the words to the music struck me. 

 

"Come with me where chains will never bind you, 

all your grief at last, behind you."

"There is a flame that never dies, 

even the darkest of nights will end and the sun will rise."

 

These things are just so true. There is a light for us all. There is love and hope and peace for us all. Maybe we don't know how to give it to eachother or even to ourselves. But there is One above all who does. And He offers it to all. To the man who spends his life seeking revenge, to the man who spends his life running from his past, to the women who is beat or abused or lost or alone, to the girl who loves and is never loved in return, to the children who fight standing up for whats right. All of them. All of us. We all have the same Light. We all have the same God fighting for us. He knows us. He understands us. And He has the peace that we all so often long for.

What a beautiful story that is.

Each phase of life seems to bring it's own set of challenges and joys. And always a lesson (or two). The most recent phase of my life has definitely been a full one. Full of stretching and searching, fulfillment and joy. I have been learning a lot lately. A lot about me. A lot about marriage. A lot about parenting. And a lot about God and His perfect, perfect ways. In honor of Easter, the celebration of what took place 1,979 years ago today, I would like to share my feelings and testimony and love for my Savior.

I was born and raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. More widely known as "Mormons." From an early age I came to understand for myself the power of God's love. I have read and been taught over and over about my Savior, Jesus Christ. I learned that He came into this world to provide a way for me to return to my Father in Heaven. That He lived a perfect life, atoned for my sins and offered Himself as a sacrifice for me, and all of God's children. I was taught this as a young child. But as a teenager and now an adult, I have come to know of it's personal reality. I have felt of it's power and tasted it's sweetness. I have experienced the power of repentance and the peace of being forgiven. The capacity to change and the strength to endure. All which have come from a power and love far greater than myself. 

In recent times my understanding has deepened. I have come to recognize more fully the power of God's peace in times of confusion, loneliness and heartache. I have felt of His light and His direction. But most importantly, I have felt of His love. His perfect, perfect love. A love that words cannot describe. A love that mortal minds cannot understand. A love that lifts and strengthens and calms and heals. A love that testifies to me that He is real. That He didn't just come, but that He is here. That He didn't just suffer, but He suffered my pains. My sins, my heartaches, my fears, my failures. He didn't just come to save me, but to comfort me all along the way. To know me and feel me and provide me a way. A way that was paved just for me. Though undeserving and so very imperfect...for me. I don't understand all the reasons He loves me, but I know that He does. And because He does I can have peace. I can change. I can be healed and comforted and even made whole. Ultimately it means I can be happy.

All the happiness and goodness that is a part of my life comes because of what He gave for me. I love Him. I honor Him. I want nothing more than to follow and serve Him. I'm grateful this day that He came. That He lived and died and lives again. That He gave me such reason to celebrate.

Happy Easter

Yesterday I had a nightmare. While I was awake.

When we matched in Texas I had nightmares about really big bugs. Dinosaur like bugs. For 2 straight weeks. Then as we prepared to move and actually moved here, one of my new fears became walking in the room and seeing my baby on the floor with a roach in her mouth. Or on her head. Or in the same room. Luckily, none of the roaches have gotten close to her. But yesterday, an uninvited creature raised the level of fear in our home by about 1000%.

My daughter and I were playing memory match on the floor in the front room. I received a text from my husband. While I was texting him back Liza jumped up and started running around. She headed to the couch, stepped on a pillow on the floor near the couch and came to a stop. I wasn't looking at her but I noticed she had stopped running and was standing by the couch. Nothing unusual at all. She always stands by the couch and plays with her figures. I continued to text with my husband. After what I assume was about a minute my daughter started screaming. The kind of cry/scream a child gives out when they are hurt or totally freaked out. She didn't move. She just cried. Hysterically. I was only a few feet away so I quickly crawled towards her and there it was. A giant, giant spider. About 2 inches from her foot crawling away. I had never seen a spider so big inside a house.... or really any indoor our outdoor places that they weren't on display or caged. Flattened out it could have easily spanned across my palm. It was huge. I think my heart stopped. Then started. Then stopped. Liza was frozen and just kept screaming. Tears streamed down her red cheeks and I feared she had been bit. Was it poisonous? Was she okay? Where had it come from? Was it on the couch and she picked it up? Did it crawl across her? Did it bite her? Did it touch her? Why was it in my house? How did it get in? How long had she been watching it? A million thoughts ran through my head as I watched it crawl around the couch. I needed something hard. My flip flop. But it was crawling on the skirt part of the couch...I wouldn't be able to smash it. It was getting close to the corner and I might lose my chance. It started crawling up the couch. That was a solid surface, now I could kill it. But what if it moves too fast and I miss? What if it jumps? What if.... then I remembered my screaming child next to me. BAAM....BAAM! BAAM! BAAM! I smashed it over and over until it curled into a little ball. Then I rubbed it...then I smashed it. Spiders have been known to curl up and play dead, then crawl away when you aren't looking. So I uncurled it and smashed it until I was certain it was dead. I had murdered it. Willingly and viciously murdered it. And now I had to get rid of it. I didn't want to vacuum it, then it would be in my vacuum. I didn't want to feel it through a paper towel. What was I to do? Once again I remembered my screaming child next to me. I grabbed her and gave her a hug. I knew I needed to check for a bite. But I couldn't leave the creature unattended. He might just sneak away. So I grabbed a paper towel...or two...and took him to the garbage. I shoved him down as far as I could, tied up the bag and took him to the trash. He was not welcome to lie dead in my home. I came back to Liza and took off her clothes in search for a bite. I found nothing. She wouldn't stop screaming so I turned on a video. She stopped. After a few deep breaths she had calmed down. Dora saved the day. But it wasn't that easy for me! I couldn't stop thinking about where it had come from and where had it touched her. So gross. So absolutely disgusting. I called my pest control guy and explained the spider to him in hopes to know if it was poisonous. He asked if it was a Brown Recluse...I was certain it wasn't. They aren't that big. When I said it was the biggest spider I had ever seen he immediately replied, "That's a wolf spider." He then told me that even if it had bitten her it shouldn't be dangerous. I always love that. Shouldn't. Not isn't. But shouldn't. I then got on the internet and googled "wolf spider." I found BIG and TEXAS and BIGGER IN TEXAS and BIGGEST IN TEXAS all across the page. I guess it's a pretty popular spider in these parts of town. Funny I've never seen one. And hope I never do again. Either way, it was a nightmare. I have seen a lot of things in Texas, but none of them got to me quite like this creature did. Who is he to think he has the right to crawl around my baby? Or on my pillow? Or in my house?

Now tell me...

wouldn't you freak out if this was crawling in your house?

I cant' even stand to look at the pictures. 

This is a picture I found on google that shows just how big it was. Disgusting.

Our Wedding Day
I felt more whole as an individual and yet, more connected to another than I ever had in my life. It was a cold, March day but there was nothing cold about it. I felt warm and excited. Time actually stood still. I committed my love, my life and my all to my best friend and now eternal companion. I was lathered with hugs and well wishes of so many people I loved so dearly. A day to celebrate. And that I did. We did. Me, my new husband. My family and friends. Even passers by waved their congratulations. It was the perfect way to close a chapter of my life. Sharing this event with all the people I love. The people who raised me, taught me, encouraged me, stood by me, lifted me and loved me. The people who had accepted me as a shy, little girl, a sarcastic and goofy teenager, an outgoing and hopeful single adult. People who knew and loved me. People who knew and loved my parents. People I didn’t know, who knew and loved my in-laws. What a dream come true.

5 years ago today a new chapter of my life began and with it came so many wonderful experiences. It has given me the chance to learn. The chance to grow. To stretch and give and take and live. It has brought times to forgive and let go of selfish desires. It has brought so many reasons to laugh, to smile and cry. It has given me direction and hope, protection and satisfaction. It has given me a deeper sense of love, tolerance and patience. It has been... awesome. The ups, the downs, the highs and low’s. All are a part of this wonderful experience. I’m so glad it is mine. I’m so glad it’s forever.

TO RICK
Thank you for these wonderful blessings you have given me through marriage.

i love you.

Wow! I guess it's been awhile. Just livin' life and lovin' it!

I have had a lot of thoughts lately...surprise, surprise. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I've been thinking about all the wonderful people in this world and how we are all eternally connected. I've been thinking about myself, who I am, who I want to be, why I am the way I am, why any of us are the way we are. It's amazing, really. Life. The World. People.

Each day I face this chance:

Let my weaknesses get to me

or do something to change them.

I wish I could say that most days I do something to change them. But I would bet that most days I don't even take the time to recognize them and when I do, I easily push them aside.

Today I recognized them. At least one of them. 

A small situation in which I stepped back from and realized I am so not the person I want to be. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I felt like giving up on getting any better. Then I stopped. I just sat and let myself feel what I needed to feel. I let the thoughts I needed to think be thought. Then I said a prayer that God would help me let go. Because I knew I couldn't. I have tried for a lot of years and sometimes I just can't let go. That's part of the human me. 

It's a part of me I wish I could change.

I clearly remember a time my dad was speaking in church. He said, 

"If you think you can do it...you can't." He paused. 

I knew what was coming next. He continued, "But God can."

I knew it was true. I had felt it in my life. I knew without God I didn't have much chance of becoming anywhere near the person I wanted to be.

I have had the chance many times in my life to be reminded of just how true that is. Today was one of those days. As I sat at my kitchen table hurt and frustration swarming around me, I turned to that thought. I allowed it to settle in. I allowed thoughts and stories and memories of times I had come to know it slowly push away my feelings. Slowly change my thoughts. 

And slowly, I let go.

I actually felt my heart soften. I felt my desires change. I felt strength. A strength I knew was not my own. A strength I wish I turned to more often. A strength that reminds me there is hope. I can't change. But God can change me. 

I just need to learn to not get in His way.

On a side note:

The weeds in my yard are now producing flowers.

 They sure make a great toy!

Being a 1 year old is awesome.

I don't remember it. But I love re-living it.

Today was a less busy day in which I enjoyed a lot of time just being friends with my daughter. We headed out in the morning to get our hair cuts. She was braver than I expected. We stopped by the slide on our way home and she went down the same slide over and over until I pointed out that there was another slide on the other side of the play area. A whole new world to her. She then enjoyed that slide over and over. Running the long way around the playground after every thrilling ride down that bumpy plastic slope. We listened to "Wheels on the Bus" the entire ride home while she danced with Dora and Boots in her carseat. Lunch time brought noodles & strawberries & yogurt smeared on her small, happy face and down her purple butterfly shirt. A change of clothes and off to sleep land. I snuggle her close and enjoy the precious moments I have to hold her in my arms. One day she will be too big to want to cuddle me so close. But today, it's her source of love and security and happiness. The only world she really knows. I stroke her thin, blonde hair and 

watch her eyelids close.

"Momma! Momma!" She's awake and wants to let me know. I'm excited to see her precious, smiling face and feel her arms around my neck. We laugh. We sing. We play Hide n' Seek with Woody and Buzz. She holds her hands over her cheeks while counting. "1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12!" Her face lights up as we run through the house searching for her little stuffed friends. They are real to her. And maybe even a little scary when they are hiding for her to find them. She waits for me before entering a dark room and squeezes my hand so tightly. 

We find them and repeat. Over and over and over.

We walk to get the mail and find box #3. "Duck!" she yells as I pull out a magazine with a rubber duck on the front cover. "Airplane!" she squeals as a plane flies by above. Everything is an adventure. Everything is exciting.

We drive cars and do puzzles, read books and march around the house. I talk on the phone, she follows me on hers. I sing a song, she sings right along. 

We are so happy to have each other.

If time could stand still, I would ask it to do so.

In the 30 years of my life I have heard the terms "Prepare" and "Food Storage" thousands of times. I have always taken it seriously. When we got married this was something my husband and I began to work on and have given much thought over the past 4 years. Then I had a baby and the need, the desire, to be prepared intensified. As the mother of my small family I have recently felt a great need to take the next steps in our emergency preparedness and food storage supply. I don't doubt that God is preparing us for times in the near or distant future. Only He knows what is ahead and only He can prepare us for the future. There are certain ways I feel very prepared for times of disaster or unemployment or accident or whatever it may be. In other ways, I feel completely unprepared. The list goes on and on of situations that could arise in which I would need to be prepared for... I can't focus on that. I can't worry and fear over what may come, because I simply can't control it. But, I can control the way I prepare. I can control the way I spend or save, the skills I learn and how to handle certain situations. I can't have a year's supply of food ready by tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. It's just too expensive and there is a lot of work to get to that point. But, I can add to it a week at a time, a month at a time...little by little. 

 As I have been researching my options, trying to figure out which direction to go, I have found so many possibilities. So many options, but which can I make work and which our best for my family? I don't doubt I will find the answers as I pray and sort through information and pray and get to work. BUT, I would love to hear from anyone on what knowledge or experience you have of food storage...whether it be what kinds of food you buy, how you store it, what ways you use foods (like wheat, oats, grains, etc) and what things you have found to help you along in your personal food storage and emergency supply. I have a lot of great resources, but I always love hearing people's opinions and advice on what has worked for them.

And if you are looking to work on your own food storage, I have several great resources I would be happy to pass along.

Here's a little video I recently watched and want to share:

Meet Jean

I recently experienced one of the most  

personal spiritual moments of my life.

I have felt the spirit all throughout my life. It has never really been a big bang type of an experience. I haven't seen a vision, I haven't heard a voice. But I have felt the strong, undeniable prickling of the spirit day after day, night after night and come to know for myself who I am, who God is and how much love He has for us all.

But this time it was a little different. 

It was stronger than I remember it ever being before.

In recent times I have faced some personal struggles that have pushed me and stretched me and given me much reason to analyze my life, who I am and the person I want to be. At times I have felt hurt, at times I have felt numb and other times I have felt perfectly fine. I have thought and thought and thought. I have prayed. I have fasted. I have studied and prayed some more. I have wondered which direction to go and if there were changes I needed to make. I honestly was not sure what direction to go. The only thing I was certain about was I wanted to follow God's will.

Sunday morning we had Stake Conference. It was a broadcast from Salt Lake in which we were privileged to hear from our leaders. All the talks were wonderful, but one particular speaker reached inside my soul. There have been so many times in life when I've heard someone speak and knew it was exactly what I needed to hear. But this was different. It was deeper. I didn't feel like it was just exactly what I needed to hear...but it was everything I needed to hear. Everything I needed to feel. I felt like I was the only person in the room and he was speaking directly to me. Every point he touched on was part of the direction I was so hoping to find. I couldn't get enough. As he kept talking I kept listening. I kept thinking and feeling. Every word he said seemed to burn within me deeper and deeper, stronger and stronger. I felt so alive, so warm, so full. I didn't just feel the answer or the direction I needed to go. I felt God. I felt His presence around me. I heard his voice telling me, 'You are okay. You don't need to change. You are wonderful just the way you are.' I don't know that I had ever felt Him speaking so personally to me, to what I was facing and what I was experiencing. As the speaker finished and the song began I couldn't sing a single word. Tears streamed down my face as my body was filled with an overwhelming sense of God's presence and peace. I followed along as the audience kept singing. We came to the words, 

"Fear not, I am with me; oh, be not dismayed, 

for I am thy God and will still give thee aid."

Once again the spirit burned within me. A powerful fire of peace and comfort, of understanding and love. I had always known God loved me, knew me and was always by my side. But at this moment, I knew with a deeper understanding than ever before that God truly knew everything inside my mind. Everything inside my heart. Everything big and everything small. The frustration, the confusion, the hurt. The desire to do right. The desire to be better. The hope and the faith in following His will. He knew it all. 

And I knew that He knew it. 

He knows me. He loves me. He completely understands me.

I felt it. I KNOW IT. I will never forget it.

There are so many people in this world that I love.

Thank you for being a part of me!

With Valentine's coming up I have had sweets on my mind! 

I love candy. I love snacks and treats. I am not good at baking stuff or making it look all cute. But there are a few simple snacks I can make that I 

REALLY, REALLY enjoy eating.

Just wanted to share.

Cream Cheese Cinnamon Dip

 

 It's as simple as that. 

Mix 1 cup of Cream Cheese Frosting with 1/2 tsp of Cinnamon.

Slice Apples.

Dip and Enjoy!

I use Pillsbury Creamy Supreme Cream Cheese and Fuji Apples.

For anyone who has ever had the Apple Pie Caramel Apples from The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, this tastes very similar to that. 

So yes, it's amazing!

I'm sure there are other things you can find to dip in it as well. I have tried Graham Crackers and Brownies...but Apples are my favorite!

Chocolate Pretzel Bites

(Thanks to my sister who introduced me to these. Not sure the real name of them, but figured this name made sense.)

Place Snaps Pretzels (the square kind) on parchment paper on a cookie sheet.

Put Hugs or Kisses on pretzels.

Bake in oven for about 6 minutes at 170 degrees.

Hugs melt faster than kisses, so a little less time for them.

Remove from oven.

Quickly drop an M&M on top of the chocolate and gently push down.

Let set. (doesn't take long)

You can store these on the counter or in the fridge, depending on how hot your house is.

The kind I have pictured were for Christmas, but you can use them for just about any holiday or event by using different colored M&M's.

Sweet Potato Fries

(I LOVE Sweet Potatoes. If you don't, you may not like these!)
My favorite part is that my daughter likes them so it gets a vegetable in her.

Note: Larger, Rounder, Darker Sweet Potatoes have a higher amount of beta carotene. Plus, I think they normally taste better!

Slice Sweet Potatoes, with or without peel, into sticks or wedges.
(the peel contains a lot of of the fiber and vitamins)

Make sure they are similar in size.
Place them in a bowl.
Drizzle some Canola Oil or Light Vegetable Oil over slices.
Mix around in bowl.
Drizzle some of the Oil on a cookie sheet and place it in the oven while preheating to 450F.
Once pre-heated, take the pan out & spread the slices evenly across the pan.
Bake for about 20 minutes, depending on how thick you sliced them.
MAKE SURE TO STIR/ROTATE the fries once or twice while they bake.
Sprinkle with coarse salt and enjoy!
We normally dip them in honey... but I just ran across these dips that I think would be fun to try. Let me know if you try them and which ones you recommend!

Moving away from home, from my family, has taught me a lot of things. 

But one specific lesson has really impacted my life. 

I have heard others talk about God's power and His Peace in their lives. It always makes me happy to know that they are feeling the power of His Peace. I remember reading John 14:27 as a teenager... 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

What stood out to me were these words: 

"MY" and "NOT AS THE WORLD GIVETH."

This told me that peace comes from God and no where else. This told me that He has something to offer that nothing and nobody in this world ever can. I believed it. I knew it. But each year of my life I am understanding it more fully.

Moving away from my family has really put this principle into practice. When hard times hit and people I love are hurting, I just want to run home. Well, fly home. I want to rush there and be by their side and make everything okay. But I can't. And because I can't, I turn to someone who can. (More fully than I did before.) I realize more than ever that God is the one that can offer peace. Not me. Not anything I have to offer. But Him. It is HIS peace that can calm their storms or give them the strength to get through it. It is HIS peace that can bless their lives and really make everything okay. The best I can do is pray that they will feel it and hope they feel it fast. So even though it hurts and I want so badly to help, I receive another little flame of testimony that God is over all. That He is the Father of us all. That He loves us all. And He is the one with Peace.

I have felt this peace over and over in my own life. One of my friends recently posted on her blog about this same type of peace. For her, it was a peace that came with pregnancy after experiencing a miscarriage with a pregnancy before. For me, it comes in not being able to get pregnant at times when I want to so badly. I have felt it when facing big decisions or challenges, physical pain or loss or fear. I have felt it most everyday of my life and know it is the greatest strength we will ever find.

 God's peace is nothing like anything in this world. Mortally, we can't find that kind of peace. God's is a peace that pushes through all pain and fear and confusion and understanding. It enriches our souls in a way this world can't. It is a peace that, regardless of what is going on around us or within us, gives us strength to just keep going.

It protects us. It strengthens us. It makes everything okay and even makes us happy in times we wouldn't think possible.

I'm grateful for a God who offers peace to ALL. 

I'm grateful He is there to help the ones I love.

Today I weeded my yard. Not the flower beds or walkways... the grass.
This is not normal for me. I grew up in Utah and winter was a time of snow blowing and shoveling, not weeding and mowing. And never have I needed to weed my grass until last fall when the grapevines appeared.

But if you could see my yard, you would know it needed to be weeded. It was bad enough that a man even stopped by (while I was out working) and gave me his card offering is yard services. He pointed to the weeds I was pulling and said, "I have a big mower. All these weeds....it KILL them!" I shook his hand and thanked him for his offer and went on my way. My daughter helped by walking around the weeds pulling up a strand at a time and saying, "Tree! Tree!" I just chuckled and said, "Yes. It looks like a tree."

After hours of pulling, sunburn and mosquito bites, I finally came to my last big weed. It was a few feet wide and a foot or two long. It was weaving in and out of the grass and I knew it would be the toughest pull yet. I searched for the biggest root, wrapped my fingers tight around it and started to pull. It wouldn't budge. For the next few minutes I tried different ways to tug and pull. It was no good. I got on both knees, gathered the bush into my chest, wrapped both hands around the base and pulled. Nothing. I started digging through the grass pulling out small chunks. After several small chunks were out of the way, I gathered the large base in my hands. If only my hands were double in size and my muscles were triple in strength.

I gave it my best shot and out came a clump of roots. I did this 3 more times and eventually all 4 clumps of roots were out. I had done it. I stood overlooking my yard and the giant pile of weeds. No passerby would even notice. No visiting friends or even my husband would probably think my yard looked good. Because it doesn't. The grass is dead just like it should be in the middle of winter. But it looked good to me. More importantly, it felt good. 

So is life. We all have weeds. Challenges, heartache, weakness, sin. All these things that create a garden of weeds that need to be pulled. Some are easy to see, some are too small to notice. And when we pull them out, nobody but us may notice the difference. Nobody else knows how hard we had to pull. And nobody, but us, reaps the rewards of the pulling that we had to do.

We see the difference. We become stronger. We feel more beautiful. 

It doesn't matter if anyone notices, because we feel good.

This week we visited Hermann Park. 

3 Times. 

Each time was a very wonderful and different experience. (If you live in the area, definitely give it a visit!) The first time we went was just after the sun went down. It turned dark quickly and was quiet and empty. There were runners here and there, but mostly just wind, some bats and a big open sky. We wandered around the reflection pool and monuments and fed a couple ducks. I was excited to come back and further explore the area.

The next time we went it was late afternoon on Saturday. There were hundreds of people. Families having bar-b-ques, couples enjoying picnics, guys playing football, boys playing soccer, girls working a jump rope and a man at the snack stand selling goodies and snow cones. There was even a small group of teenagers playing drums and instruments giving us all a beat to bounce to. We enjoyed wandering through the crowd, along the water, feeding the ducks and watching airplanes fly above. It was warm, alive, full of excitement and entertainment. 

Today we went again. It was fresh and early and not many people were around. The clouds gave a perfect covering as we wandered through the trees and grass. We played on the swings while watching squirrels play tag and capture the acorn. We sat by the lake and gathered the birds by throwing out cereal and crackers. Ducks quacked around us and pigeons soon joined the excitement. Within minutes we were surrounded by our feathered friends. We fed them. They entertained us. We all got along. Every few minutes the air would fill with chaotic squeals and chirps and the birds would take off flying circles around us. After two complete rounds they would return. Pecking the ground for edible treasures. It was beautiful and quiet, like a bubble of peace.

I couldn't stop thinking about this thing we call TIME. I had been in the same place and had 3 different experiences. Because of TIME each experience was different. TIME brought the separation of crowds and emptiness, dark and light, chaos and peace. The same exact place became a whole different world because TIME had passed and things had changed.

It reminded me of being a teenager and visiting the Sacred Grove. There I stood in the midst of giant trees and sunlight beaming through the leaves. It held a beautiful and sacred feeling. My experience was that of thoughts and remembering and honoring what had taken place. Yet, this same exact place, maybe even the same exact spot I was standing, was where the sacred beginnings of the restoration had taken place. Joseph Smith had been right there. He had seen a vision and his life had changed forever. Our world had changed forever. What if I had been standing there that spring morning in 1820? 

It was only TIME that separated me from that moment.

I have felt this separation of TIME on many occasions, especially when life changing experiences take place. I remember touring the hospital where my baby would be born. A hospital. A place I don't like to be. Bare walls filled with nurses, doctors, sicknesses and pain. In TIME, those same walls became barriers between the outside world and the sacred spot where my daughter began her new life. My own sacred grove I now cherished and loved. TIME had turned that hospital into my sacred ground where life had changed forever.

TIME. 

It's such an interesting thing. It moves slow, it moves fast...but it never ever stops. It separates me from the past and the future. 

It holds everything I have right here and right now. 

I often wonder what TIME will bring. But only TIME will tell.

Hermann Park Reflection Pool

I had an interesting experience today.

My daughter and I had gone to the mall for two reasons. To enjoy a free pretzel and to play on the kid tow truck that she thinks is a bus. (All yellow vehicles are a bus.) I especially enjoyed that there was absolutely nobody around. The sun was shining, it was quiet and breezy and we enjoyed our own little playground. 

Suddenly a loud pop broke the air and a large store window 20 feet to my side shattered. My body froze as my head shot around scanning the area for people. There was no one. Silence. Was that a gun shot? Did somebody just shoot the window? Did the window just randomly pop? Thoughts were racing through my head. I grabbed my daughter and was uncertain if I should move or hold still. I gave the window a good hard look and found a hole at the top, right along the frame, and all 6 or so feet of glass cracked and shattered. Again, I scanned the area and nobody was in sight. I didn't feel I was in danger. It must have been a random break. Is that possible? Glass just randomly shatters? I went around the corner and peered in the store. Everything looked normal. Two workers stocking the racks and nobody in a panic. It must have been a random break. But what was the pop? I went into the store and told the guy his window had shattered. He said, "I heard that pop and wondered what it was." And walked to the window display, opened the door and peered in. He cautiously walked by the mannequins and got a closer look. He then thanked me and called to the other worker. He didn't seem surprised. I left the store and walked the other direction. I felt weird. I honestly don't believe someone shot at the window. I also don't know why it would randomly shatter. But I was happy to be walking away, no big scene, no one hurt and nobody in a panic. I felt grateful that if it was a shot, it didn't hit my daughter or me or any other person. 

Within the hour they had taped off the area and were replacing the window. As I watched from a distance I thought about the many people that have suffered from recent shootings. So many random places, so many innocent people. It's amazing the change one moment can bring. 

I am grateful today for my chance to live. To have my chance at this earthly experience. I will probably never know what really happened, but I received a bold reminder of how precious life is and how much I truly cherish it.

My daughter has been sick off and on since Christmas. It started with the stomach stuff, then the fever stuff, a hefty cold and now double ear infections. Then came the twist, her reaction to the antibiotic. As the mom, I feel responsible for doing everything in my power to help her get better as fast as possible. We have been to the doctor, on the phone with the doctor, on the phone with nurses and to the pharmacy several times. By tonight, I felt pretty helpless. Over the past few days I have been working over the phone with nurses to figure out how to best treat my daughters reaction. For the most part, I was left confused. I didn't totally trust the route they wanted to go and was left with a couple options. So I gave the over-the-counter meds a shot because I figured they would be a lot less expensive. By this afternoon the reaction was spreading and only getting worse. I knew something wasn't right. I knew what I tried wasn't working. I called the pharmacist and asked about the prescription and she told me to check with my doctor before picking it up. She wanted me to make sure this was the medication they really wanted to give her because she had never heard of using it in the way it had been prescribed. This only added to my concern. I couldn't get a hold of the doctor and figured I would head to the pharmacy while I was on hold. I couldn't let this go one more night. As soon as I parked the receptionist answered and listened to my concern. She took notes and told me the nurse would call back within 30 minutes. I hung up and my phone battery beeped, 'Battery Low.' This normally happens once...maybe twice before it shuts off. So there I was, waiting at the pharmacy, praying my battery wouldn't die. Over the next 2 hours it was back and forth between the pharmacist who was really concerned about giving my daughter the medication and the nurse who was trying to get a hold of the doctor who seemed frustrated I was concerned at all and my daughter who was uncomfortable and hungry. I felt like a terrible mom. Why had I waited? Why hadn't I just forked out the money and listened to the nurse? Why couldn't I feel okay about what they wanted to give her? Why was it spreading and why couldn't anyone give me an explanation of what was going on? Why did we all seemed concerned except the nurse? It was finally confirmed by the doctor that this was best to do and I headed back to the register to complete my purchase. I swiped my card and hoped it wouldn't be too expensive.

"Four dollars." The lady behind the registered stated. 

"What?" I thought. "Is she kidding me? Did she get the right prescription? Is that really what she said?" 

I moved closer to look at the total. $4. Right there on the screen. $4. I have NEVER in my life paid so little for a prescription. It had to be a joke. I actually chuckled to myself and gratefully signed the pad and breathed a sigh of relief. All the other prescriptions had been so expensive. But today, just $4. I felt like God was tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "I got your back." I hurried out of the store and called my husband while walking to the car. 30 seconds into our conversation my phone died. Normally that would frustrate me, but not tonight. I realized my phone had beeped 8-10 times warning me it was going to shut off. But it never did. I was able to wait and call and wait and call and it lasted the whole 2 hours. Once again, I felt that tap on my shoulder, "I got your back."

We headed for home. All my emotions seemed to push through my skin. I felt sad for my daughters discomfort. I felt small for not making it better. But more than anything, I felt grateful that I wasn't alone. I felt blessed for a $4 bill and a battery that didn't die. I knew these were my own little miracles. The kind I so often miss. As I pulled my daughter out of the car I held her tight against my face and gave her a gentle squeeze. 

"I love you so much." I said.

"I you too" she replied. "I you too." "I you too." "I you too."

She repeated it all the way into the house. It's like she knew I needed to hear it. Then I realized, she didn't think I was a terrible mom. She didn't hold it against me that I couldn't make it better. She just loved me and once again, 

everything was okay.

To my sweet daughter...

I hope this medicine works.

One Person.

I got to spend this weekend with my husband. I couldn't believe the difference it made. I haven't seen him much lately, due to work, but he came home Friday night and we got to spend the rest of the weekend as a family. There was one particular moment when he went chasing our daughter into the back room that I laid on the couch and felt... whole. 

It's amazing how we humans adapt. We adapt to weather, to sickness, to people, to situations and to life. 

We learn how to deal with, we learn how to deal without. 

In this moment I realized how much I had adapted. When he isn't around, I carry on. I am happy and busy and life is good. I miss him, but we are working together no matter how far apart we are. But having him home, having him there, I realized how complete my world is because he is in it. I was reminded of how very important this one person is to me. The warmth, the comfort, the security that simply comes from being in his presence. 

The depth he adds to my life. To our life.

It's amazing how one person can make such a difference.

Among the billions of people that will ever exist, one person really does matter.

Every one person really does matter.

I still remember my first Migraine.

It was awful. All migraines are awful. But the first ones were particularly awful because I had no idea why my body suddenly became so extremely sick. I worried my head might actually explode and the thoughts of sitting or talking or opening my eyes or a clock ticking actually made me wonder

if I would make it.

I was in the 8th grade and as always, I walked outside for a short distance to my choir class. When I came inside there was a small spot in my vision that I call a 'sun spot'. I call it this because it's the kind of spot that comes from looking at the sun or some major glare that then causes a dark, blind spot in my vision. Nothing unusual, but for some reason the spot made me feel a little weird. As I entered my class and sat down the spot was still there. My teacher started talking to us and I realized she looked weird. Within the next few minutes I became unable to see my teachers face and had this awful yellow spot in my vision, that seemed to have little streaks of light crawling all over through it. Immediately I became very sick. I didn't even ask to be excused, I got out of my chair and headed to the office. I barely made it in time to lay down. At this point, there was a lot I couldn't see. Even my hand in front of my face was mostly missing. What was happening to me? Is this what it's like to go blind? But why would going blind make me so sick? I called my oldest sister who lived nearby (because for a reason I don't remember, my mom wasn't home or in town.) When she got to the school I lost it. I started crying and felt so bad to bother her and felt so sick and didn't know if I could stand long enough to make it to the car. What happened the rest of that day is a blur to me. I remember laying on her couch and her bringing me some bread, telling me eating might help. I couldn't even open my eyes and the thought and sight and smell of the bread only made it worse. I was sicker than I think I had ever been in my life.

The next time this happened I was 4-wheeling with some family friends. I remember not feeling well but it was my turn to take a spin and when I was outside it seemed like I could see better (the spot didn't seem so strong), so I headed out. I returned before long and became so sick my family ended up leaving. (I'm not sure if it was time to go home or if I just ruined the trip.) 

I don't know at what point I learned I was having Migraines, but they didn't stop. For the next 10 or so years they would randomly strike and completely wipe me out. Normally for about 8 hours. It would start with a small spot in my vision which gave me about a 15 minute warning until I would be super, super sick. Then the nausea, vomiting, head pain and ultra sensitivity to light and sound would kick in. The sound of a clock or the hum of a fridge would pound like a hammer beating against my brain. I would be unable to do anything but curl up in a dark, silent corner that was never dark or silent enough and pray for it to pass. Then it would end with the most massive head pain I have ever experienced. It was normally in one of a few spots and depending on where it was at I couldn't lay on one side or the other or I would just lose it. Then after 8 hours I would be almost back to normal. I say almost because there was always the hangover. At least that's what I called it. For a day or two after the migraine I would still feel kinda weak and weird and my head would be a little sore. But, for the most part, I could go back to normal activity after about 8 hours. I often worried people would think I was faking sick because I would disappear and then come back fine later that day. 

But it didn't really matter. I was just surviving.

As time went on I saw different doctors and tried all sorts of things to get rid of them. Doctors basically said they have no way of explaining why a person gets migraines and there isn't much to do but try different medications. So I did. I tried everything I could think of. Then one day I was talking with my friend. She suggested taking 2 Exedrin and 2 Dramamine at the onset of the migraine. I had another friend suggest drinking coke. So I did both. This was the first relief I ever really found. I quickly learned that if I didn't take the pills immediately, they wouldn't do much good. But as I took the pills and drank some coke, I found there were times I was able to function (though still feeling awful). I found I wasn't quite so afraid of having one, because most times I could handle it and still stay at work or still go to class. 

After several years of experiencing migraines I was almost certain they were hormonal. They didn't come on from lack of sleep or foods I ate or stress...they were hormonal. I told this to my doctor and was answered with a chuckle and once again told that we don't really have any links to why people get migraines. But I knew mine were hormonal. There was still no connection to when I got them or how bad they got, but I just knew it. The older I got the more spread out they became and the less intense they were. Then one day I got a really bad one. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and for 8 months I didn't experience a single migraine. Then I went into labor, gave life to my precious daughter and the next day got a migraine. They were back. They were FAR less intense then ever before, but they were back. I am now convinced that they are hormonal. I wonder if next time I'm pregnant I will be migraine free? Either way, I am so glad that my friend gave me a suggestion and it actually helped. Thank you, Exedrin. Thank you, Dramamine. Thank you, Coke. It sounds silly, but you really changed my life! To any migraine sufferers out there, I hope you find something that lessens your pain. And if you live close to me, just call and I will take care of you or your kids when they strike.