I had an interesting experience today.

My daughter and I had gone to the mall for two reasons. To enjoy a free pretzel and to play on the kid tow truck that she thinks is a bus. (All yellow vehicles are a bus.) I especially enjoyed that there was absolutely nobody around. The sun was shining, it was quiet and breezy and we enjoyed our own little playground. 

Suddenly a loud pop broke the air and a large store window 20 feet to my side shattered. My body froze as my head shot around scanning the area for people. There was no one. Silence. Was that a gun shot? Did somebody just shoot the window? Did the window just randomly pop? Thoughts were racing through my head. I grabbed my daughter and was uncertain if I should move or hold still. I gave the window a good hard look and found a hole at the top, right along the frame, and all 6 or so feet of glass cracked and shattered. Again, I scanned the area and nobody was in sight. I didn't feel I was in danger. It must have been a random break. Is that possible? Glass just randomly shatters? I went around the corner and peered in the store. Everything looked normal. Two workers stocking the racks and nobody in a panic. It must have been a random break. But what was the pop? I went into the store and told the guy his window had shattered. He said, "I heard that pop and wondered what it was." And walked to the window display, opened the door and peered in. He cautiously walked by the mannequins and got a closer look. He then thanked me and called to the other worker. He didn't seem surprised. I left the store and walked the other direction. I felt weird. I honestly don't believe someone shot at the window. I also don't know why it would randomly shatter. But I was happy to be walking away, no big scene, no one hurt and nobody in a panic. I felt grateful that if it was a shot, it didn't hit my daughter or me or any other person. 

Within the hour they had taped off the area and were replacing the window. As I watched from a distance I thought about the many people that have suffered from recent shootings. So many random places, so many innocent people. It's amazing the change one moment can bring. 

I am grateful today for my chance to live. To have my chance at this earthly experience. I will probably never know what really happened, but I received a bold reminder of how precious life is and how much I truly cherish it.

My daughter has been sick off and on since Christmas. It started with the stomach stuff, then the fever stuff, a hefty cold and now double ear infections. Then came the twist, her reaction to the antibiotic. As the mom, I feel responsible for doing everything in my power to help her get better as fast as possible. We have been to the doctor, on the phone with the doctor, on the phone with nurses and to the pharmacy several times. By tonight, I felt pretty helpless. Over the past few days I have been working over the phone with nurses to figure out how to best treat my daughters reaction. For the most part, I was left confused. I didn't totally trust the route they wanted to go and was left with a couple options. So I gave the over-the-counter meds a shot because I figured they would be a lot less expensive. By this afternoon the reaction was spreading and only getting worse. I knew something wasn't right. I knew what I tried wasn't working. I called the pharmacist and asked about the prescription and she told me to check with my doctor before picking it up. She wanted me to make sure this was the medication they really wanted to give her because she had never heard of using it in the way it had been prescribed. This only added to my concern. I couldn't get a hold of the doctor and figured I would head to the pharmacy while I was on hold. I couldn't let this go one more night. As soon as I parked the receptionist answered and listened to my concern. She took notes and told me the nurse would call back within 30 minutes. I hung up and my phone battery beeped, 'Battery Low.' This normally happens once...maybe twice before it shuts off. So there I was, waiting at the pharmacy, praying my battery wouldn't die. Over the next 2 hours it was back and forth between the pharmacist who was really concerned about giving my daughter the medication and the nurse who was trying to get a hold of the doctor who seemed frustrated I was concerned at all and my daughter who was uncomfortable and hungry. I felt like a terrible mom. Why had I waited? Why hadn't I just forked out the money and listened to the nurse? Why couldn't I feel okay about what they wanted to give her? Why was it spreading and why couldn't anyone give me an explanation of what was going on? Why did we all seemed concerned except the nurse? It was finally confirmed by the doctor that this was best to do and I headed back to the register to complete my purchase. I swiped my card and hoped it wouldn't be too expensive.

"Four dollars." The lady behind the registered stated. 

"What?" I thought. "Is she kidding me? Did she get the right prescription? Is that really what she said?" 

I moved closer to look at the total. $4. Right there on the screen. $4. I have NEVER in my life paid so little for a prescription. It had to be a joke. I actually chuckled to myself and gratefully signed the pad and breathed a sigh of relief. All the other prescriptions had been so expensive. But today, just $4. I felt like God was tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "I got your back." I hurried out of the store and called my husband while walking to the car. 30 seconds into our conversation my phone died. Normally that would frustrate me, but not tonight. I realized my phone had beeped 8-10 times warning me it was going to shut off. But it never did. I was able to wait and call and wait and call and it lasted the whole 2 hours. Once again, I felt that tap on my shoulder, "I got your back."

We headed for home. All my emotions seemed to push through my skin. I felt sad for my daughters discomfort. I felt small for not making it better. But more than anything, I felt grateful that I wasn't alone. I felt blessed for a $4 bill and a battery that didn't die. I knew these were my own little miracles. The kind I so often miss. As I pulled my daughter out of the car I held her tight against my face and gave her a gentle squeeze. 

"I love you so much." I said.

"I you too" she replied. "I you too." "I you too." "I you too."

She repeated it all the way into the house. It's like she knew I needed to hear it. Then I realized, she didn't think I was a terrible mom. She didn't hold it against me that I couldn't make it better. She just loved me and once again, 

everything was okay.

To my sweet daughter...

I hope this medicine works.

One Person.

I got to spend this weekend with my husband. I couldn't believe the difference it made. I haven't seen him much lately, due to work, but he came home Friday night and we got to spend the rest of the weekend as a family. There was one particular moment when he went chasing our daughter into the back room that I laid on the couch and felt... whole. 

It's amazing how we humans adapt. We adapt to weather, to sickness, to people, to situations and to life. 

We learn how to deal with, we learn how to deal without. 

In this moment I realized how much I had adapted. When he isn't around, I carry on. I am happy and busy and life is good. I miss him, but we are working together no matter how far apart we are. But having him home, having him there, I realized how complete my world is because he is in it. I was reminded of how very important this one person is to me. The warmth, the comfort, the security that simply comes from being in his presence. 

The depth he adds to my life. To our life.

It's amazing how one person can make such a difference.

Among the billions of people that will ever exist, one person really does matter.

Every one person really does matter.

I still remember my first Migraine.

It was awful. All migraines are awful. But the first ones were particularly awful because I had no idea why my body suddenly became so extremely sick. I worried my head might actually explode and the thoughts of sitting or talking or opening my eyes or a clock ticking actually made me wonder

if I would make it.

I was in the 8th grade and as always, I walked outside for a short distance to my choir class. When I came inside there was a small spot in my vision that I call a 'sun spot'. I call it this because it's the kind of spot that comes from looking at the sun or some major glare that then causes a dark, blind spot in my vision. Nothing unusual, but for some reason the spot made me feel a little weird. As I entered my class and sat down the spot was still there. My teacher started talking to us and I realized she looked weird. Within the next few minutes I became unable to see my teachers face and had this awful yellow spot in my vision, that seemed to have little streaks of light crawling all over through it. Immediately I became very sick. I didn't even ask to be excused, I got out of my chair and headed to the office. I barely made it in time to lay down. At this point, there was a lot I couldn't see. Even my hand in front of my face was mostly missing. What was happening to me? Is this what it's like to go blind? But why would going blind make me so sick? I called my oldest sister who lived nearby (because for a reason I don't remember, my mom wasn't home or in town.) When she got to the school I lost it. I started crying and felt so bad to bother her and felt so sick and didn't know if I could stand long enough to make it to the car. What happened the rest of that day is a blur to me. I remember laying on her couch and her bringing me some bread, telling me eating might help. I couldn't even open my eyes and the thought and sight and smell of the bread only made it worse. I was sicker than I think I had ever been in my life.

The next time this happened I was 4-wheeling with some family friends. I remember not feeling well but it was my turn to take a spin and when I was outside it seemed like I could see better (the spot didn't seem so strong), so I headed out. I returned before long and became so sick my family ended up leaving. (I'm not sure if it was time to go home or if I just ruined the trip.) 

I don't know at what point I learned I was having Migraines, but they didn't stop. For the next 10 or so years they would randomly strike and completely wipe me out. Normally for about 8 hours. It would start with a small spot in my vision which gave me about a 15 minute warning until I would be super, super sick. Then the nausea, vomiting, head pain and ultra sensitivity to light and sound would kick in. The sound of a clock or the hum of a fridge would pound like a hammer beating against my brain. I would be unable to do anything but curl up in a dark, silent corner that was never dark or silent enough and pray for it to pass. Then it would end with the most massive head pain I have ever experienced. It was normally in one of a few spots and depending on where it was at I couldn't lay on one side or the other or I would just lose it. Then after 8 hours I would be almost back to normal. I say almost because there was always the hangover. At least that's what I called it. For a day or two after the migraine I would still feel kinda weak and weird and my head would be a little sore. But, for the most part, I could go back to normal activity after about 8 hours. I often worried people would think I was faking sick because I would disappear and then come back fine later that day. 

But it didn't really matter. I was just surviving.

As time went on I saw different doctors and tried all sorts of things to get rid of them. Doctors basically said they have no way of explaining why a person gets migraines and there isn't much to do but try different medications. So I did. I tried everything I could think of. Then one day I was talking with my friend. She suggested taking 2 Exedrin and 2 Dramamine at the onset of the migraine. I had another friend suggest drinking coke. So I did both. This was the first relief I ever really found. I quickly learned that if I didn't take the pills immediately, they wouldn't do much good. But as I took the pills and drank some coke, I found there were times I was able to function (though still feeling awful). I found I wasn't quite so afraid of having one, because most times I could handle it and still stay at work or still go to class. 

After several years of experiencing migraines I was almost certain they were hormonal. They didn't come on from lack of sleep or foods I ate or stress...they were hormonal. I told this to my doctor and was answered with a chuckle and once again told that we don't really have any links to why people get migraines. But I knew mine were hormonal. There was still no connection to when I got them or how bad they got, but I just knew it. The older I got the more spread out they became and the less intense they were. Then one day I got a really bad one. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and for 8 months I didn't experience a single migraine. Then I went into labor, gave life to my precious daughter and the next day got a migraine. They were back. They were FAR less intense then ever before, but they were back. I am now convinced that they are hormonal. I wonder if next time I'm pregnant I will be migraine free? Either way, I am so glad that my friend gave me a suggestion and it actually helped. Thank you, Exedrin. Thank you, Dramamine. Thank you, Coke. It sounds silly, but you really changed my life! To any migraine sufferers out there, I hope you find something that lessens your pain. And if you live close to me, just call and I will take care of you or your kids when they strike.

My daughter definitely gets a few traits from me. One of those is her great amount of sensitivity (for the good and the bad). Today she displayed an extra large amount of this sensitivity when I pulled out the vacuum and headed to the front room. As soon as she saw it she burst into tears. I wasn't shocked, but it has been a while she she was afraid of the vacuum, so it did take me by surprise. I told her I just needed to clean the floor. She continued to cry. As I turned it on her cries turned into screams. I couldn't help but laugh even though I felt bad it made her so sad. I started to sing the clean up song so she would know I was just cleaning up. I sang "Clean up! Clean up! Everybody, everywhere!" and continued vacuuming. After a few seconds of singing I turned to see her reaction and found that she was taking the toys I had put by the TV, with tears streaming down her face and her body shaking from her sobs, she was putting them all away. She thought I was telling her to clean up. And even though she was scared and screaming... she was putting her toys away. It was one of those moments when your child reaches out and touches your heart, reminding you just how pure and trusting and loving they are. 

My sweet, screaming child... I love you.

Yep. It happened. I got caught in that awkward moment that I have always hoped I would never get caught in.

I guess I should say we. Not only did we get caught, we caught documented. We were flying to visit my parents for Christmas when I awoke to my husband talking with the lady sitting next to him and was quickly told by our fellow passenger that she had captured this 'funny' moment for us. She couldn't resist...mouths wide open, parents asleep, child intensely watching her video and mom using baby doll as pillow. I've always wondered what I look like asleep... 

I think I prefer to not know!

I was organizing some stuff and ran across this post I wrote a few months ago that never got posted. I figured I might as well post it. 

Today my baby fell asleep on the way home from church. When we got home I took off her little shoes and pulled her relaxed warm body out of her car seat..her eyes opened for a moment and she relaxed onto my shoulder back into her quiet world of sleep. As I carried her in I saw my reflection on our car. I am a mom. That is my baby sleeping on my shoulder. And that felt so good. I have dreamed about moments like these my whole life. And though my baby rarely (like 2 times before in her life) transfers from the car to her crib asleep..the few times it has happened remind me just how happy I am to be a mom. And just how much I love all that comes with being Mom.

If I had grown up here...

this is the room I would have wanted to be mine.

My parents are currently serving a mission and this is one of the rooms in their house. I love the window. I love that I can sit on the bed and look out the window. As long as I can remember, I have liked feeling connected. And as a kid, sitting on this bed, looking out this window, I would have felt connected. Connected to the world, connected to the people driving by, connected to the people I felt far away from. I remember several times in life when I longed to feel connected. Not because I was alone, but because something I loved had come and gone and I longed to keep it close. I remember going to EFY, a church program where I went away from home for 2 weeks and got to meet other kids my age from all across the country. As I spent every hour with them learning and serving and playing and coming to understand the gospel and myself, they became my friends. I remember my parents picking me up and driving away looking out the window, sad that I would never see them again because most of them lived too far away. They had become a part of me and I wanted to keep them close. The first while back at home I would sit on my front porch, staring at the mountains, watching the cars that past, wanting to feel connected...closer...to those dear friends I had just made. There were other times I felt this way, but the one that stands out the most was graduating from High School. Wow. What a time! I loved my High School years. Each one brought something different and I learned so much about who I was and who I wanted to be. I had many dear friends that helped me along the way, taught me, loved me and became a part of the person I am today. These relationships changed my life forever. I remember the morning after graduation. I had been at a friends house and partied most the night and came home with that weird, lack of sleep, am I real, type of feeling. So I slept. Then I woke up and didn't really know what to do with myself. Life had changed. It was time to be a grown up, go to college, work and decide what to do with myself as a single, young adult. There was a deep void inside me. A longing to make time stand still so I didn't have to move forward. I was excited for this new stage of life and to grow up and be an adult...but I didn't want to leave behind the people that meant so much to me. So I sat on my front porch. I stared at the mountains and the people driving by. I thought of my friends, the life I had been given. I thought of my childhood and teenage years and all the life I had lived. It had been awesome. And I knew it would probably only get better. Sitting on my porch somehow made me feel a part of this world and closer to the people that I loved. It gave me that connection that I always liked to have. As I sat in my parents house this morning, in the room with the bed next to the window, I felt connected. Connected to the world around me. Connected to the people I love. 

Connected to my childhood. And I felt happy.

Welcome to 2013!

It's been a wonderful Christmas season and I have enjoyed time with my family. Wouldn't it be awesome if Christmas was every 6 months? 

This is basically what we have been up to:

A lot of Smiling...

 Eating...

 and running around.

 A lot of Cousin Time...

 

 being crazy...

playing with new toys...

 and staying in our PJs.

 A lot of Celebrating Jesus...

fun times...

 and a really cool sun-star fish.

It's always sad to have the holidays come and go so quickly. But I am excited for the new year ahead and the many adventures it will bring! Thanks to my family for the fun times we shared and the memories we created. There's nothing I love more than a break from real life to be with the ones I love most!

So 2013...I wonder what that will bring.
I sure hope another baby! But most of all, I hope my family is safe and happily together. I hope I am stronger, better, kinder and more patient. I hope I will have given someone the chance to find the blessings of the gospel. I hope I will have made someone's world a better place.

What about you? What do you hope for this great year of 2013?