Each phase of life seems to bring it's own set of challenges and joys. And always a lesson (or two). The most recent phase of my life has definitely been a full one. Full of stretching and searching, fulfillment and joy. I have been learning a lot lately. A lot about me. A lot about marriage. A lot about parenting. And a lot about God and His perfect, perfect ways. In honor of Easter, the celebration of what took place 1,979 years ago today, I would like to share my feelings and testimony and love for my Savior.

I was born and raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. More widely known as "Mormons." From an early age I came to understand for myself the power of God's love. I have read and been taught over and over about my Savior, Jesus Christ. I learned that He came into this world to provide a way for me to return to my Father in Heaven. That He lived a perfect life, atoned for my sins and offered Himself as a sacrifice for me, and all of God's children. I was taught this as a young child. But as a teenager and now an adult, I have come to know of it's personal reality. I have felt of it's power and tasted it's sweetness. I have experienced the power of repentance and the peace of being forgiven. The capacity to change and the strength to endure. All which have come from a power and love far greater than myself. 

In recent times my understanding has deepened. I have come to recognize more fully the power of God's peace in times of confusion, loneliness and heartache. I have felt of His light and His direction. But most importantly, I have felt of His love. His perfect, perfect love. A love that words cannot describe. A love that mortal minds cannot understand. A love that lifts and strengthens and calms and heals. A love that testifies to me that He is real. That He didn't just come, but that He is here. That He didn't just suffer, but He suffered my pains. My sins, my heartaches, my fears, my failures. He didn't just come to save me, but to comfort me all along the way. To know me and feel me and provide me a way. A way that was paved just for me. Though undeserving and so very imperfect...for me. I don't understand all the reasons He loves me, but I know that He does. And because He does I can have peace. I can change. I can be healed and comforted and even made whole. Ultimately it means I can be happy.

All the happiness and goodness that is a part of my life comes because of what He gave for me. I love Him. I honor Him. I want nothing more than to follow and serve Him. I'm grateful this day that He came. That He lived and died and lives again. That He gave me such reason to celebrate.

Happy Easter

Yesterday I had a nightmare. While I was awake.

When we matched in Texas I had nightmares about really big bugs. Dinosaur like bugs. For 2 straight weeks. Then as we prepared to move and actually moved here, one of my new fears became walking in the room and seeing my baby on the floor with a roach in her mouth. Or on her head. Or in the same room. Luckily, none of the roaches have gotten close to her. But yesterday, an uninvited creature raised the level of fear in our home by about 1000%.

My daughter and I were playing memory match on the floor in the front room. I received a text from my husband. While I was texting him back Liza jumped up and started running around. She headed to the couch, stepped on a pillow on the floor near the couch and came to a stop. I wasn't looking at her but I noticed she had stopped running and was standing by the couch. Nothing unusual at all. She always stands by the couch and plays with her figures. I continued to text with my husband. After what I assume was about a minute my daughter started screaming. The kind of cry/scream a child gives out when they are hurt or totally freaked out. She didn't move. She just cried. Hysterically. I was only a few feet away so I quickly crawled towards her and there it was. A giant, giant spider. About 2 inches from her foot crawling away. I had never seen a spider so big inside a house.... or really any indoor our outdoor places that they weren't on display or caged. Flattened out it could have easily spanned across my palm. It was huge. I think my heart stopped. Then started. Then stopped. Liza was frozen and just kept screaming. Tears streamed down her red cheeks and I feared she had been bit. Was it poisonous? Was she okay? Where had it come from? Was it on the couch and she picked it up? Did it crawl across her? Did it bite her? Did it touch her? Why was it in my house? How did it get in? How long had she been watching it? A million thoughts ran through my head as I watched it crawl around the couch. I needed something hard. My flip flop. But it was crawling on the skirt part of the couch...I wouldn't be able to smash it. It was getting close to the corner and I might lose my chance. It started crawling up the couch. That was a solid surface, now I could kill it. But what if it moves too fast and I miss? What if it jumps? What if.... then I remembered my screaming child next to me. BAAM....BAAM! BAAM! BAAM! I smashed it over and over until it curled into a little ball. Then I rubbed it...then I smashed it. Spiders have been known to curl up and play dead, then crawl away when you aren't looking. So I uncurled it and smashed it until I was certain it was dead. I had murdered it. Willingly and viciously murdered it. And now I had to get rid of it. I didn't want to vacuum it, then it would be in my vacuum. I didn't want to feel it through a paper towel. What was I to do? Once again I remembered my screaming child next to me. I grabbed her and gave her a hug. I knew I needed to check for a bite. But I couldn't leave the creature unattended. He might just sneak away. So I grabbed a paper towel...or two...and took him to the garbage. I shoved him down as far as I could, tied up the bag and took him to the trash. He was not welcome to lie dead in my home. I came back to Liza and took off her clothes in search for a bite. I found nothing. She wouldn't stop screaming so I turned on a video. She stopped. After a few deep breaths she had calmed down. Dora saved the day. But it wasn't that easy for me! I couldn't stop thinking about where it had come from and where had it touched her. So gross. So absolutely disgusting. I called my pest control guy and explained the spider to him in hopes to know if it was poisonous. He asked if it was a Brown Recluse...I was certain it wasn't. They aren't that big. When I said it was the biggest spider I had ever seen he immediately replied, "That's a wolf spider." He then told me that even if it had bitten her it shouldn't be dangerous. I always love that. Shouldn't. Not isn't. But shouldn't. I then got on the internet and googled "wolf spider." I found BIG and TEXAS and BIGGER IN TEXAS and BIGGEST IN TEXAS all across the page. I guess it's a pretty popular spider in these parts of town. Funny I've never seen one. And hope I never do again. Either way, it was a nightmare. I have seen a lot of things in Texas, but none of them got to me quite like this creature did. Who is he to think he has the right to crawl around my baby? Or on my pillow? Or in my house?

Now tell me...

wouldn't you freak out if this was crawling in your house?

I cant' even stand to look at the pictures. 

This is a picture I found on google that shows just how big it was. Disgusting.

Our Wedding Day
I felt more whole as an individual and yet, more connected to another than I ever had in my life. It was a cold, March day but there was nothing cold about it. I felt warm and excited. Time actually stood still. I committed my love, my life and my all to my best friend and now eternal companion. I was lathered with hugs and well wishes of so many people I loved so dearly. A day to celebrate. And that I did. We did. Me, my new husband. My family and friends. Even passers by waved their congratulations. It was the perfect way to close a chapter of my life. Sharing this event with all the people I love. The people who raised me, taught me, encouraged me, stood by me, lifted me and loved me. The people who had accepted me as a shy, little girl, a sarcastic and goofy teenager, an outgoing and hopeful single adult. People who knew and loved me. People who knew and loved my parents. People I didn’t know, who knew and loved my in-laws. What a dream come true.

5 years ago today a new chapter of my life began and with it came so many wonderful experiences. It has given me the chance to learn. The chance to grow. To stretch and give and take and live. It has brought times to forgive and let go of selfish desires. It has brought so many reasons to laugh, to smile and cry. It has given me direction and hope, protection and satisfaction. It has given me a deeper sense of love, tolerance and patience. It has been... awesome. The ups, the downs, the highs and low’s. All are a part of this wonderful experience. I’m so glad it is mine. I’m so glad it’s forever.

TO RICK
Thank you for these wonderful blessings you have given me through marriage.

i love you.

Wow! I guess it's been awhile. Just livin' life and lovin' it!

I have had a lot of thoughts lately...surprise, surprise. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I've been thinking about all the wonderful people in this world and how we are all eternally connected. I've been thinking about myself, who I am, who I want to be, why I am the way I am, why any of us are the way we are. It's amazing, really. Life. The World. People.

Each day I face this chance:

Let my weaknesses get to me

or do something to change them.

I wish I could say that most days I do something to change them. But I would bet that most days I don't even take the time to recognize them and when I do, I easily push them aside.

Today I recognized them. At least one of them. 

A small situation in which I stepped back from and realized I am so not the person I want to be. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I felt like giving up on getting any better. Then I stopped. I just sat and let myself feel what I needed to feel. I let the thoughts I needed to think be thought. Then I said a prayer that God would help me let go. Because I knew I couldn't. I have tried for a lot of years and sometimes I just can't let go. That's part of the human me. 

It's a part of me I wish I could change.

I clearly remember a time my dad was speaking in church. He said, 

"If you think you can do it...you can't." He paused. 

I knew what was coming next. He continued, "But God can."

I knew it was true. I had felt it in my life. I knew without God I didn't have much chance of becoming anywhere near the person I wanted to be.

I have had the chance many times in my life to be reminded of just how true that is. Today was one of those days. As I sat at my kitchen table hurt and frustration swarming around me, I turned to that thought. I allowed it to settle in. I allowed thoughts and stories and memories of times I had come to know it slowly push away my feelings. Slowly change my thoughts. 

And slowly, I let go.

I actually felt my heart soften. I felt my desires change. I felt strength. A strength I knew was not my own. A strength I wish I turned to more often. A strength that reminds me there is hope. I can't change. But God can change me. 

I just need to learn to not get in His way.

On a side note:

The weeds in my yard are now producing flowers.

 They sure make a great toy!