Being Mom

There really aren't words that wrap up what being a mother to my sweet daughter means.

So here's to my Little Love…

4 full years wrapped into 6 small minutes.

(Her favorite song played by my favorite instrument.)

AND THE GREATEST IS LOVE

I can't put my feelings into words. But I'm going to try.

I want every person in this world to find what I have found.

I have had the opportunity to live in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints for 311/2 years. There are a lot of things I have learned. A lot of things I have felt. A lot of things I have found. A lot of things that I have grown to cherish more than even my own life. In all of it… through all of it, above and around all of it… I have found God's Love. It encompasses everything that is good in my life. It is the Creator of everything good in my life. It is my life.

In these 31 years I have traveled to most all the states and several other countries. I have lived in Utah, Wisconsin and Texas. And in every place I have found the same thing. 

LOVE.

Not just any love, but God's Love. I can't even begin to list all the ways I have felt it. All the people that have given me a piece of it. All the strangers and friends that have become a part of my world. Of my love. Parts of my heart are all over this world. And sometimes I wish I could just reach out and bring all those parts together. In one place. And keep them forever. Lucky for me…. I know that I can. 

God is the place of all that is good. All that I love. Hour after hour… day after day… year after year… I have come to know Him. I have come to know that WE, His children, are the purpose of His existence. We are the center of all His Energy, Power and Love. And because of Him, all that is good can and will last forever. All that is good can be OURS FOREVER. 

Simply because He loves us.

There is nothing greater than that.

I can't help but hope every person in this world will find that. Will feel it. And keep it forever.

The Greatest Book I Ever Read

There is only one book that is read in our house everyday.  

The more I read it, the more I love it.

There are so many scary things going on in the world right now. Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel really afraid. But that fear never lasts long because there is one book that ALWAYS reminds me how to get through it. 

The Book of Mormon is a daily read for a lot of members in my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) On one website it is described as "another witness of Jesus Christ and a divinely revealed guide to the purpose-filled life." Notice the word AND. Not only does it testify and teach us of Christ, it also is a guide straight from God (through His Prophets) to OUR LIVES. To my life. Right now, today. And it is the greatest guide we could ask for. The Book of Mormon is filled with stories from long ago… stories of war, persecution, hatred. Stories of love, forgiveness, peace. Stories about the poor, the rich, the enslaved, the free, the wicked and righteous. All things we experience today. All things that we face in OUR WORLD. Right now. That is why I love this book so much. Because it reminds me that this craziness is all part of the world. It shows me the consequences of the choices I have the freedom to make. It teaches me the way to face persecution, struggles and hardship. It reminds me that God is the Giver of Peace and that He is always there. It teaches me how to recognize Him and how to follow Him. It testifies to me that life is much bigger than the here and now and that God is the Father of us all. His love is greater than anything we know. And when I feel that… fear is replaced with faith, struggle is replaced with strength and chaos is replaced with calm.

God knew the crazy we face would happen. The Book of Mormon is His guide on how to get through it. Satan has been working on us all for a very long time, but God has been working on us much longer.    I have come to know for myself that He is the only way through it, around it, over it and passed it. And He wrote the greatest book ever.

My Job: A better understanding

As parents we deeply affect our children… 

their lives, their feelings, their perspectives, their confidence, their experience in this world. But I don't believe it's our job to make them great. They were great before they came to us. It's our job to help them see that. 

To help them know just how divine they are. To help them be the great that God created them to be. 

It is my greatest honor, privilege and joy to be entrusted with a divine daughter of God to call my own. To love, to teach and to serve. But I consider it my miracle and blessing to have her in my life… to love and teach me. To help me see just how much we each mean to God. To see His goodness in her purity, her selflessness, her trust, her forgiveness and tolerance and unconditional love for me, no matter how imperfect I may be. 

I'm grateful for my own mother, who gave life to me and for me. Who taught and loved me in the best way she knew how. I'm grateful to my sweet daughter… for making me a mother and giving me the chance to learn and grow through my time in this life with her. And I'm grateful to every woman in this world who has been a teacher, supporter, leader and friend to me... and to all those around them. 

So much good comes from the hearts and hands of women.

I love this reminder.

DREAM CRASHER: In the Dark of the Night

I don't remember all the details, but I was with my husband and could tell we were about to get engaged. We kept wandering through large and complicated buildings, filled with people and all kinds of scenery. At one point we were in what seemed to be an upper class shopping and dining area. A romantically lit building with ceilings 3 stories high. We sat on the edge of water surrounded by rock walls blocking out all the people. I saw my mom standing on a balcony near by, smiling. Rick handed me a small box. I opened it to find 3 pearl-like stones hanging in a line. Earrings. "Interesting." I thought. Not something I would have picked. Then he pulled another pair out of his pocket,  they were circle shaped instead of oval. He told me they were the ones he would have picked to give me, but for some reason he decided on the oval ones. He put them back in his pocket and handed me back the box. We were suddenly somewhere else. Maybe a store? I stood in front of a mirror as he opened a larger box for me. This time a necklace. Strands of bronze intertwined with random diamond like shapes on the front. The strands were a few feet long. I took the necklace in my hands and it draped to the floor. I put it over my neck and the strands fell behind my back, bending me backwards from the weight. Without words we exchanged a look acknowledging that the necklace was a no. We put it back in the box. Next we were wandering through an enormous building. It felt complicated. Halls and walls and rooms all over the place. Rick was carrying a large coral bow in his hands. It had white polka dots on it and stood about as tall as me. We wandered and I could tell his plans had fallen through. He couldn't find the right spot. The spot he had planned. Again, we never exchanged words, I somehow just knew. Finally we ran into someone that somehow knew our situation and gave us the suggestion to try the roof. There was a police overlook that was supposedly beautiful and vacant. As we exited the building I looked up and realized I knew the place. I was excited to go to the top. As we walked around the corner we came upon a circular slab of concrete surrounded by grass and a few stone columns. It was dark outside and I realized Rick and I were wearing bright orange sweatshirts. Where had those come from? I excitedly walked along the path and as we stepped onto the concrete slab Rick pulled my hand and stopped me. I turned to continue toward the top and he wrapped his arms around me lifting me into the air. We froze. 

I now looked upon us, like a spectator. I stared at us frozen in the moment right before Rick was to propose. A distant sound broke the silence. SHHHIIUUMPF….SHHHIIUUMPF…SHHHIIUUMPF… the sound grew louder and closer. My eyes popped open and my dream disappeared. But the noise didn't stop. SHHHIIUUMPF….SHHHIIUUMPF…SHHHIIUUMPF…. My eyes shifted to the noise as a large, dark figure creeped along my pillow right next to my head. It was moving slow. And that sound. That disgusting sound. "A ROACH!" I screamed as I shot up and the creature disappeared between our bed and the wall. Rick popped awake and frantically yelled, "What?" 

"It was on my pillow right next to my head and it went down there!" Like a 2 year old child I pointed and squirmed in the direction the dark creature had gone. "It was moving so slow…" A thousand thoughts ran through my head as I tried to figure out what it was. That noise. That noise kept coming back into my head. "It made such a weird sound... and it was so big and moving so slow. I don't know if it was a roach. I don't know what it was!" I grew more frantic as my uncertainty grew as to what had been crawling right next to my face and possibly on my head. I felt sick. Violated. Disgusting. And tired. I looked at the clock. It was 5:30am. My daughter is the only one allowed to wake me up that early. Not to mention I was just about to get engaged and now I will never know how Rick was going to propose. "We have to find it!" I  jumped off the bed so I could watch the whole room as Rick moved the bed to see what he could find. He shifted the bed and there it ran… in a split second it went from under the bed to under the desk 3 feet away. It was dark. Too dark to be a roach. Those are normally reddish brown. But it was SO fast. Too fast to be just any type of beetle. My anxiety grew as the image of that dark creature creeping next to my head kept pushing itself into my mind. I just had to know what it was. I put Rick on watch guard as I ran to get our sticky traps. We had run out last week and had just received a new pack in the mail yesterday. Glad they were so fast getting them to me. I grabbed a trap and put it by the edge of the desk so Rick could explore from the other side and hopefully scare it out. I took watch position and before Rick moved the dark spot shot across the opening where the chair sits. It seemed much smaller this time. Maybe it's because it wasn't next to my head. I was worried it was going to get away without us seeing it, so I hurried and shifted the trap to where he had just run and added a new one at the other opening where he might run. Rick shifted some things around and out it darted… it headed towards our door and saw Rick, pausing just long enough for me to see that it was clearly a mouse. What?!? A mouse? Then what was that sound? And why was it moving so slow? And WHY was it on my bed?!? He darted out the room and we stood there with our jaws open. He had totally fooled us. And I was totally relieved. A mouse was so much better than a roach. And he was the smallest mouse we have ever had in our house. We weren't sure if he had gone into our utility room or kitchen but I assumed he had gone into the closest door. So I lined the doorway with my typical trap set up that had yet to fail. My anxiety was almost completely gone. We'll get him. We always do. As soon as my traps were ready I sent Rick in to see if he could scare him out. He hadn't been in there 5 seconds when the mouse came flying towards the trap…. and right over it. He disappeared back into our bedroom. Once again my jaw dropped. "He jumped right over the trap! How on earth did he miss it?!?" Rick chimed in, "He's lucky. That's what he is." It's like he literally flew over the trap. We must have really scared him or he is a new breed of flying mouse. I quickly shifted the traps to the bedroom door. Rick had to get ready for work but I was content. He was trapped in our room because surely, he wouldn't get over the trap a second time. I headed to the kitchen to start my day. I was hopeful he would land on the trap before Rick left so I didn't have to dispose of him, but I knew that was unlikely. And I was right.

Rick said goodbye and headed out the door. As soon as the car started I heard "Squeak, squeak, squeak." He had wasted no time. We had caught him! I walked across the room and peeked into the hallway. "Squeak, Squeak, Squeak." There he was stuck on the trap. He couldn't fly quite far enough this time, but I was impressed with his attempt. I grabbed a bag, folded the trap on top of him, shoved him in the bag and took him to the porch to end his misery. "I'm sure glad it's garbage day." I thought to myself as I walked back inside. 

I have a pizza loving friend who recently posted about her homemade pizza. It looked delicious. I asked her if she's every tried California White Pizza. 

She hasn't, so this one's for her. 

California White Pizza
  -photo & recipe from rhodesbread.com

Servings: 8 

Skill Level: Intermediate 

Prep Time: 15 min (not including thaw time) 

Bake Time: 10-15 min

• 9 Rhodes™ White Dinner Rolls, thawed and risen

• 2 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened

• 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

• 1 teaspoon parsley flakes

• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese

• 14 ounce can artichoke hearts, chopped

• 3/4 cup grated mozzarella cheese

• 1/2 cup grated Havarti* cheese

• 1/2 cup grated Provolone cheese

• fresh cracked black pepper

Instructions

1. Flatten each roll into a 3-inch circle.

2. Place one in the center of a sprayed 12-inch pizza pan.

3. Place remaining rolls in a circle around the center one overlapping each one about 1/2-inch.

4. Bake at 375F 10 minutes.

5. Combine softened butter, garlic powder and parsley flakes.

6. Spread over cooled crust.

7. Sprinkle with Parmesan and artichokes.

8. Cover with grated cheeses and sprinkle with pepper.

9. Bake at 375F an additional 10-15 minutes or until cheese is nicely melted.

Pain.

I believe that pain distorts us. It distorts our perspective, our ability to see good and to feel okay. It makes everything seem longer. Everything seem harder. Getting out of bed, staying asleep, work, play, enjoying each day. It muffles our desires, motivations and goals. It stomps on our patience and enhances our selfish ways of thinking. It brings out the worst in life and it brings out the worst in ourselves. Pain is hard. It's one of the greatest challenges of life. Physical pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain, mental pain. Pain is really the underlying experience of most negative things we experience. Anger, frustration, loneliness, rejection, sickness, failure, embarrassment, fear, loss, sadness. They all hurt. They all cause pain. Pain in our bodies, our minds, our hearts, our families, our communities, our country, our world. Pain is everywhere. It affects everyone. It stretches and pushes and pulls. It never gives up. It never gives in.

And yet, pain is a driving force of good. A force to change, to hold on, to work harder. To be more accepting, more humble, more kind. To step in another's shoes before passing judgement. To see the good when life just seems so bad. To find the good deep within ourselves. The strength, the endurance, the courage we never knew we had. It opens our eyes to the surrounding world. To the power within our own selves and the goodness in people around us.

Pain will always distort us. Our perspectives, our abilities, our feelings. But pain will also shape us. We reach deeper and try harder in order to survive. Through that reaching and trying a new person comes to existince. A stronger, better, kinder version of the person we once were. With greater potential, greater purpose and greater power than before. It shapes our way of thinking, our way of life, our way of being. Our ability to see, to feel, to understand. It changes who we are from the inside out or the outside in. And if we can hang on, a beautiful shape will grow from that dark, ugly distortion.

I was traveling home from an afternoon full of errands. 

The sky was almost dark. My daughter and I were playing our favorite car game. She chooses a word, I spell it, she excitedly shouts the word as soon as I'm finished spelling. A small patter echoed off my windshield. It must be starting to rain. Another quick pat sounded on the glass. I don't see any raindrops. Pat...Pat..Pat.....Pat. I soon realized it was not the sound of rain. It was the sound of bugs. Splattering on my windshield. 

"Here it comes." I thought out loud. "Here comes summer and all the bugs that are going to come with it."

Today I headed out on the same road I was driving before. Splat... splat...splat..splat. The bugs are back and preparing for a full invasion. Sun up or down, it's their time to shine. I don't like bugs. Not one bit. But as I drove through this cloud of splattering bugs I couldn't help but swell with excitement. The season of bugs and heat is upon us. And that means summer.

Summer

The smell of grass and bar-b-que's.

Visiting family.

Vacations.

Kids playing outside. 

The 4th of July. 

Fireworks. 

Swimming, beaches, sprinklers and parks. 

Sweating. 

Sunscreen.

Insect Repellent.

Long, sunny days and playing into the night.

Snow Cones.

Hot Dogs.

Hamburgers.

Hopefully some Cotton Candy.

Festivals & Music.

Picnics & Walks.

Reasons to party every other weekend.

Celebrating outside all season long.

The list goes on and on of the memories summer has created. In younger times it meant no school and no work...a break from reality. But the adult world is different, school and work continue on. Clients and calls, cooking and laundry never take a break. Yet something about summer brings a renewed excitement. Maybe a reason to relax, hang with friends or spend time with family. 

Whatever it is...it's here. 

And yes, the bugs came with it. So spray up and party on.

It's amazing what a date can mean.

Two years ago today, the meaning & purpose of my life changed. Forever.

12am

I was lying in a hospital bed chatting on the phone with family members far away. I was excited. It felt like a dream.

1am

The epidural was wearing off. The nurse came to check me, I was at an 8.

1:30am

The nurse checked me again. A look of surprise. She turned to me and said,

"Don't push. Don't laugh. Don't sneeze. And if you feel anything coming out, 

yell to me!"

about 1:50am

The doctor was positioned and I was told to push. 

I pushed. Really, really hard.

I was told to breathe. I took a breath. That was much easier than pushing.

"Push!" I pushed. Even harder this time. 

So hard I thought my brain was going to pop out of the left side of my head. When it was time to breathe I asked my husband if anything was popping out of my head. He reassured me it was not.

"Push!" I pushed with every bit of energy my body could produce.

"STOP! STOP!"

I looked up and there she was. My beautiful baby girl. 

My very own little piece of heaven.

The world stood still for just one moment and when it started spinning again everything was different. Richer. Deeper. More meaningful. More precious.

Words can't express the love and purpose she has brought into my life. 

Today I celebrate her. 

Last night I watched Les Misérables. 

Translated to English this means The Miserable or The Miserable Ones. A perfect title for a movie that's all about misery. It's a raw and beautiful story portraying the battles and miseries of life. Physical battles, emotional battles, spiritual battles. Everyone in the moving was struggling with something. And to me, misunderstanding seemed to be a running theme. Because of people misunderstanding eachother there was a lot of pain and even death. One man spent his life chasing another because he couldn't forgive or believe people can change. He misunderstood a man who stole bread. Another man spent his life running because he was misunderstood. Women were tormented, abused, lonely and cast out because they were misunderstood. Kids lost their lives fighting for their rights, because they were misunderstood. A whole lot of misery which all seemed to stem from misunderstandings.

As it played out on the screen in front of me it felt familiar. It really isn't much different than the world we live in now. Misunderstandings. Unacceptance. Unforgiving. Judging. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain because we misunderstand. Pain because we ALL want to be understood and accepted. Pain because sometimes as humans we just don't know how to do so. It honestly made me sad as these thoughts swam around in my mind. But then the end of the movie came and the words to the music struck me. 

 

"Come with me where chains will never bind you, 

all your grief at last, behind you."

"There is a flame that never dies, 

even the darkest of nights will end and the sun will rise."

 

These things are just so true. There is a light for us all. There is love and hope and peace for us all. Maybe we don't know how to give it to eachother or even to ourselves. But there is One above all who does. And He offers it to all. To the man who spends his life seeking revenge, to the man who spends his life running from his past, to the women who is beat or abused or lost or alone, to the girl who loves and is never loved in return, to the children who fight standing up for whats right. All of them. All of us. We all have the same Light. We all have the same God fighting for us. He knows us. He understands us. And He has the peace that we all so often long for.

What a beautiful story that is.

Each phase of life seems to bring it's own set of challenges and joys. And always a lesson (or two). The most recent phase of my life has definitely been a full one. Full of stretching and searching, fulfillment and joy. I have been learning a lot lately. A lot about me. A lot about marriage. A lot about parenting. And a lot about God and His perfect, perfect ways. In honor of Easter, the celebration of what took place 1,979 years ago today, I would like to share my feelings and testimony and love for my Savior.

I was born and raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. More widely known as "Mormons." From an early age I came to understand for myself the power of God's love. I have read and been taught over and over about my Savior, Jesus Christ. I learned that He came into this world to provide a way for me to return to my Father in Heaven. That He lived a perfect life, atoned for my sins and offered Himself as a sacrifice for me, and all of God's children. I was taught this as a young child. But as a teenager and now an adult, I have come to know of it's personal reality. I have felt of it's power and tasted it's sweetness. I have experienced the power of repentance and the peace of being forgiven. The capacity to change and the strength to endure. All which have come from a power and love far greater than myself. 

In recent times my understanding has deepened. I have come to recognize more fully the power of God's peace in times of confusion, loneliness and heartache. I have felt of His light and His direction. But most importantly, I have felt of His love. His perfect, perfect love. A love that words cannot describe. A love that mortal minds cannot understand. A love that lifts and strengthens and calms and heals. A love that testifies to me that He is real. That He didn't just come, but that He is here. That He didn't just suffer, but He suffered my pains. My sins, my heartaches, my fears, my failures. He didn't just come to save me, but to comfort me all along the way. To know me and feel me and provide me a way. A way that was paved just for me. Though undeserving and so very imperfect...for me. I don't understand all the reasons He loves me, but I know that He does. And because He does I can have peace. I can change. I can be healed and comforted and even made whole. Ultimately it means I can be happy.

All the happiness and goodness that is a part of my life comes because of what He gave for me. I love Him. I honor Him. I want nothing more than to follow and serve Him. I'm grateful this day that He came. That He lived and died and lives again. That He gave me such reason to celebrate.

Happy Easter

Yesterday I had a nightmare. While I was awake.

When we matched in Texas I had nightmares about really big bugs. Dinosaur like bugs. For 2 straight weeks. Then as we prepared to move and actually moved here, one of my new fears became walking in the room and seeing my baby on the floor with a roach in her mouth. Or on her head. Or in the same room. Luckily, none of the roaches have gotten close to her. But yesterday, an uninvited creature raised the level of fear in our home by about 1000%.

My daughter and I were playing memory match on the floor in the front room. I received a text from my husband. While I was texting him back Liza jumped up and started running around. She headed to the couch, stepped on a pillow on the floor near the couch and came to a stop. I wasn't looking at her but I noticed she had stopped running and was standing by the couch. Nothing unusual at all. She always stands by the couch and plays with her figures. I continued to text with my husband. After what I assume was about a minute my daughter started screaming. The kind of cry/scream a child gives out when they are hurt or totally freaked out. She didn't move. She just cried. Hysterically. I was only a few feet away so I quickly crawled towards her and there it was. A giant, giant spider. About 2 inches from her foot crawling away. I had never seen a spider so big inside a house.... or really any indoor our outdoor places that they weren't on display or caged. Flattened out it could have easily spanned across my palm. It was huge. I think my heart stopped. Then started. Then stopped. Liza was frozen and just kept screaming. Tears streamed down her red cheeks and I feared she had been bit. Was it poisonous? Was she okay? Where had it come from? Was it on the couch and she picked it up? Did it crawl across her? Did it bite her? Did it touch her? Why was it in my house? How did it get in? How long had she been watching it? A million thoughts ran through my head as I watched it crawl around the couch. I needed something hard. My flip flop. But it was crawling on the skirt part of the couch...I wouldn't be able to smash it. It was getting close to the corner and I might lose my chance. It started crawling up the couch. That was a solid surface, now I could kill it. But what if it moves too fast and I miss? What if it jumps? What if.... then I remembered my screaming child next to me. BAAM....BAAM! BAAM! BAAM! I smashed it over and over until it curled into a little ball. Then I rubbed it...then I smashed it. Spiders have been known to curl up and play dead, then crawl away when you aren't looking. So I uncurled it and smashed it until I was certain it was dead. I had murdered it. Willingly and viciously murdered it. And now I had to get rid of it. I didn't want to vacuum it, then it would be in my vacuum. I didn't want to feel it through a paper towel. What was I to do? Once again I remembered my screaming child next to me. I grabbed her and gave her a hug. I knew I needed to check for a bite. But I couldn't leave the creature unattended. He might just sneak away. So I grabbed a paper towel...or two...and took him to the garbage. I shoved him down as far as I could, tied up the bag and took him to the trash. He was not welcome to lie dead in my home. I came back to Liza and took off her clothes in search for a bite. I found nothing. She wouldn't stop screaming so I turned on a video. She stopped. After a few deep breaths she had calmed down. Dora saved the day. But it wasn't that easy for me! I couldn't stop thinking about where it had come from and where had it touched her. So gross. So absolutely disgusting. I called my pest control guy and explained the spider to him in hopes to know if it was poisonous. He asked if it was a Brown Recluse...I was certain it wasn't. They aren't that big. When I said it was the biggest spider I had ever seen he immediately replied, "That's a wolf spider." He then told me that even if it had bitten her it shouldn't be dangerous. I always love that. Shouldn't. Not isn't. But shouldn't. I then got on the internet and googled "wolf spider." I found BIG and TEXAS and BIGGER IN TEXAS and BIGGEST IN TEXAS all across the page. I guess it's a pretty popular spider in these parts of town. Funny I've never seen one. And hope I never do again. Either way, it was a nightmare. I have seen a lot of things in Texas, but none of them got to me quite like this creature did. Who is he to think he has the right to crawl around my baby? Or on my pillow? Or in my house?

Now tell me...

wouldn't you freak out if this was crawling in your house?

I cant' even stand to look at the pictures. 

This is a picture I found on google that shows just how big it was. Disgusting.

Our Wedding Day
I felt more whole as an individual and yet, more connected to another than I ever had in my life. It was a cold, March day but there was nothing cold about it. I felt warm and excited. Time actually stood still. I committed my love, my life and my all to my best friend and now eternal companion. I was lathered with hugs and well wishes of so many people I loved so dearly. A day to celebrate. And that I did. We did. Me, my new husband. My family and friends. Even passers by waved their congratulations. It was the perfect way to close a chapter of my life. Sharing this event with all the people I love. The people who raised me, taught me, encouraged me, stood by me, lifted me and loved me. The people who had accepted me as a shy, little girl, a sarcastic and goofy teenager, an outgoing and hopeful single adult. People who knew and loved me. People who knew and loved my parents. People I didn’t know, who knew and loved my in-laws. What a dream come true.

5 years ago today a new chapter of my life began and with it came so many wonderful experiences. It has given me the chance to learn. The chance to grow. To stretch and give and take and live. It has brought times to forgive and let go of selfish desires. It has brought so many reasons to laugh, to smile and cry. It has given me direction and hope, protection and satisfaction. It has given me a deeper sense of love, tolerance and patience. It has been... awesome. The ups, the downs, the highs and low’s. All are a part of this wonderful experience. I’m so glad it is mine. I’m so glad it’s forever.

TO RICK
Thank you for these wonderful blessings you have given me through marriage.

i love you.

Wow! I guess it's been awhile. Just livin' life and lovin' it!

I have had a lot of thoughts lately...surprise, surprise. I have been thinking about a lot of things. I've been thinking about all the wonderful people in this world and how we are all eternally connected. I've been thinking about myself, who I am, who I want to be, why I am the way I am, why any of us are the way we are. It's amazing, really. Life. The World. People.

Each day I face this chance:

Let my weaknesses get to me

or do something to change them.

I wish I could say that most days I do something to change them. But I would bet that most days I don't even take the time to recognize them and when I do, I easily push them aside.

Today I recognized them. At least one of them. 

A small situation in which I stepped back from and realized I am so not the person I want to be. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I felt like giving up on getting any better. Then I stopped. I just sat and let myself feel what I needed to feel. I let the thoughts I needed to think be thought. Then I said a prayer that God would help me let go. Because I knew I couldn't. I have tried for a lot of years and sometimes I just can't let go. That's part of the human me. 

It's a part of me I wish I could change.

I clearly remember a time my dad was speaking in church. He said, 

"If you think you can do it...you can't." He paused. 

I knew what was coming next. He continued, "But God can."

I knew it was true. I had felt it in my life. I knew without God I didn't have much chance of becoming anywhere near the person I wanted to be.

I have had the chance many times in my life to be reminded of just how true that is. Today was one of those days. As I sat at my kitchen table hurt and frustration swarming around me, I turned to that thought. I allowed it to settle in. I allowed thoughts and stories and memories of times I had come to know it slowly push away my feelings. Slowly change my thoughts. 

And slowly, I let go.

I actually felt my heart soften. I felt my desires change. I felt strength. A strength I knew was not my own. A strength I wish I turned to more often. A strength that reminds me there is hope. I can't change. But God can change me. 

I just need to learn to not get in His way.

On a side note:

The weeds in my yard are now producing flowers.

 They sure make a great toy!

Being a 1 year old is awesome.

I don't remember it. But I love re-living it.

Today was a less busy day in which I enjoyed a lot of time just being friends with my daughter. We headed out in the morning to get our hair cuts. She was braver than I expected. We stopped by the slide on our way home and she went down the same slide over and over until I pointed out that there was another slide on the other side of the play area. A whole new world to her. She then enjoyed that slide over and over. Running the long way around the playground after every thrilling ride down that bumpy plastic slope. We listened to "Wheels on the Bus" the entire ride home while she danced with Dora and Boots in her carseat. Lunch time brought noodles & strawberries & yogurt smeared on her small, happy face and down her purple butterfly shirt. A change of clothes and off to sleep land. I snuggle her close and enjoy the precious moments I have to hold her in my arms. One day she will be too big to want to cuddle me so close. But today, it's her source of love and security and happiness. The only world she really knows. I stroke her thin, blonde hair and 

watch her eyelids close.

"Momma! Momma!" She's awake and wants to let me know. I'm excited to see her precious, smiling face and feel her arms around my neck. We laugh. We sing. We play Hide n' Seek with Woody and Buzz. She holds her hands over her cheeks while counting. "1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12!" Her face lights up as we run through the house searching for her little stuffed friends. They are real to her. And maybe even a little scary when they are hiding for her to find them. She waits for me before entering a dark room and squeezes my hand so tightly. 

We find them and repeat. Over and over and over.

We walk to get the mail and find box #3. "Duck!" she yells as I pull out a magazine with a rubber duck on the front cover. "Airplane!" she squeals as a plane flies by above. Everything is an adventure. Everything is exciting.

We drive cars and do puzzles, read books and march around the house. I talk on the phone, she follows me on hers. I sing a song, she sings right along. 

We are so happy to have each other.

If time could stand still, I would ask it to do so.